Nothing Says Bad Hair Like....

Nothing says bad hair like this ugly haircut.

I don't think anyone can beat me on this.

I was about five months pregnant, my hair had been dark red with a fringe for several years. I thought I would mix it up for the final part of my pregnancy. I'd bring it back to blonde, get it layered and have myself looking all nice just in time to be Joe's plus one at the Aria awards.

Well, that didn't really work out did it.

I believe his name was Pop and he works in Lismore and came highly recommended by Rebecca. Thanks for that, Rebecca! I owe you one!

The guy looked like a typical doofer, albeit a bit old, but no worries. Rebecca's hair always looked fantastic. I explained that I wanted a big of a different look - something a bit shaggy and layered, but not rock chick - more groupie. Or even better - Plus One!

He assured me there would be no problem.

An hour and fifteen minutes later, a hundred or more bucks lighter in the pocket and shell shocked I left the shop wearing my hat. I actually put it on as I paid.

Rebecca asked me why I was wearing my hat. Joe stood in the background shaking his head - Don't mention the war, Rebecca! Don't mention the war.

Wordlessly, I removed my hat.

No one even tried to comfort me with "Oh it looks fine!" or "It will grow out in a few days!" or even "It's so avant garde!"

No. Rebecca went straight to the apologies.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Carmel. Your hair. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

It was so bad I didn't even cry. We just got in the car and drove home. Silently.

I went to my friend Tanya's place for some tea and comfort and she offered to do some waxing to make me feel better. My legs got waxed, my armpits got waxed and then she offered to do my eyebrows.

"Oh my god. Oh my god. Carmel. Your hair. Oh my god. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."
I only have about ten hairs on each eyebrow and they are all pale. So you wouldn't think you would miss half if they accidentally got waxed off. Well, you would think wrong.

My friend Emjay was going through a difficult divorce at the time and all I know is that these pics were the only thing that made her laugh the entire year.  I mean really.

In the photos, I know I'm not wearing make up and my hair is a bit messy, but I don't really think that is the main problem. One side of my head has distinctly longer hair on top than the other. It's like he was still coming down of whatever pill he had ingested the night before and just started cutting to the sounds of a really bad dance beat.

And then there is the colour. Oh. The colour.

The hair at the roots is black, the mid level roots are fried white and then it goes from.... well as Emjay put it - What is that colour? Tangerine?


And if you look closely at some of the pictures you will see I only have half an eyebrow.

I was at the fat stage of being pregnant. My haircut was absolute shit. My hair colour was something that looked better on seeded fruit. I looked like a cross between David Bowie in the Ziggy Stardust days and an extra from the musical Cats. With a missing eyebrow.

And the Arias were in less than a week.